The 1-Upper: TypeRacer
Go, TypeRacer, Go!
Dear secretaries and kids in high school in the 1950s, I am happy to report that the Internet has finally created a game just for you.
TypeRacer takes everything you love about typing and adds cool-looking cars to it. Not since my parents bought me Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing (go Google her! She’s still around!) for my old Tandy computer have I been pounding the keys so furiously. In the game, you’re given a sentence to type and you compete against up to six other people for the title of ultimate nerd. Your car will progress across the screen a la The Price is Right, so you can see how you’re matching up.
I had a few good races in me, topping out at 60+ words a minute, but then I got smoked on a lyric from Pink Floyd’s Time when some other person cranked out 148 words per minute. I’m pretty sure I was playing againshttp://criticalmass.blogs.citypaper.net/blogs/mu/wp-admin/post.php?action=edit&post=831t this guy.
Go see how fast you can type here.
The 1-Upper: Super Crazy Guitar Maniac Deluxe Three
Can’t stop the rock
Ok, so I like to think of myself as a pretty dexterous person. I was pretty good when I played baseball, and I’m way into rock climbing, which required subtle hand work. When it’s come to the guitar, I just have never been able to make it work. I actually own a stratocaster knock off, but it’s been collecting dust for years in the corner of my apartment. Whenever I’ve tried to play, it really just winds up looking like I’m strangling an ostrich.
That said, I’ve shied away from the Guitar Hero franchise. I love music, but I’ve been terrified of looking like an ass in front of friends. So, high on the Flyers putting away the Capitals tonight (I hope Ovechkin knows the rules of golf! So long, caveman-looking jerk!) I retreated to my office to try my hand at Super Crazy Guitar Maniac Deluxe Three. After faring well after one song, I realized I am awful at anything music related, save for listening to it.
Much like Guitar Hero, you mash buttons corresponding to notes as they reach a certain point on screen. You get points for doing so and bonuses for linking a bunch in a row. I was never able to get past the “cool” level, so I can’t tell you what comes next, sadly. One of the neat things about the game is that it features original music and links you to the band’s site. It’s not my type of music, kinda new metal-ish, but I suppose that’s what’s needed for rockin’.
Check it out here.
The 1-Upper: Fruit Mystery
The real fruit mystery what makes blueberries so delicious
Last week, I thought about posting a funny April Fool’s game, but I resisted. I only lasted a week, and I proudly point you to Fruit Mystery. Made by, it seems, a friend from Down Under, Fruit Mystery is both the most ridiculous and hilariously funny game I’ve come across. The point of the game, I think, is to pick what fruit a parade of animals (represented in horribly lo-res images) would eat while a MIDI version of Katrina and the Waves Walking on Sunshine blares from your PC speakers. Sounds easy, right? Well, all of the fruits are crudely drawn in what looks like Microsoft Paint, and some don’t qualify as fruits, like corn chips. Your selections are either met with some “well done, chap” congratulations or downright derision that would make Gordon Ramsey grin from ear to ear. Either way, both are delivered in English that is as mangled as the fruit drawings.
I’m not sure you can solve the Fruit Mystery, but you do get 38 seconds to try. You’ll have to determine how well you do, too, as there’s no score (EDIT: Oops! There is a score! It, of course, just makes no sense). If you unravel this, the most pressing and urgent mystery of our times, be sure to let me know, OK?
Play Fruit Mystery here.
The 1-Upper: Bookworm
It’s like Bee Season, but you’re all by yourself
I was thinking today of playing a great big joke and directing you to this game, but I figured I’d be nice (check it out anyway as it’s fairly hilarious). I realized, though, that I’ve yet to talk about Bookworm, my personal favorite online game of all time. I’ve spent so much time making words, you would think this post wasn’t riddled with errors before I posted it. You couldn’t be more wrong, though.
Bookworm is what would happen if Scrabble and Connect Four had a virtual baby. Basically, you make words on a vertical board by connecting lettered tiles, except there’s no sneaky sis to mess things up. You get more points for longer words or for using tough letter - like J or Qu. You’ve got to watch, though, as someone is sneaking flaming tiles into the mix, and they threaten to burn down the library. What will dorks do if that happens? On the other side, you’ll also get gold and green tiles that up your score, and each level you’ll be given a word to make by the eponymous Bookworm. Make it, and you’ll get loads of points.
Get your dictionary, and head over here.
The 1-Upper: Boxhead: 2-Play Rooms
When Legos attack
So, we right quite a bit about zombies here at the 1-Upper, but I think that’s because they’re the one life form you can plow through with an Uzi and walk away feeling OK. I mean, they are after your brains and all, right? And you need those to like think and stuff.
Anyhow, the Boxhead games plop you into the role of John Bambo, and guess what … he’s just like Rambo, only boxier. Boxhead: 2-Play Rooms also introduces a few new characters, who are also boxier representatives of movie roles, like Bin and Bonn. If you’re familiar at all with any of the earlier games, it’s more of the same: kill of an endless slew of zombies and demons all the while upgrading your equipment to fun stuff like cluster grenades, which, I have to say, are the most satisfying things I’ve ever virtually thrown at someone.
The great part about 2-Play Rooms is the co-op feature, hence the name. This time around, you can have a friend join you as you blast away. Just be careful where you throw those grenades, as they can cause residual damage if you aren’t careful.
Go play Boxhead here.
The 1-Upper: Fancy Pants Adventure: World 2
So, if there’s one thing an adventure needs, it’s a set of freaking awesome pants, otherwise it would just be, well, unfashionable. Fancy Pants Adventure: World 2 picks up where its very excellent predecessor left off, finding our squiggly hero and his eponymous yellow pants enjoying a game of fancy pants golf. Once a menacing rabbit swipes his ice creamy prize, it’s down the hole for more running and jumping goodness.
If you’ve never played the first game, think Sonic the Hedgehog meets line drawings. The gameplay is super similar to Sonic - you run around jumping on enemies and collecting things, in this case some kind of squiggle rather than a coin - but the graphics are great, especially for a browser game, and big step up from the first game. The physics aren’t to be overlooked either. It’s pretty amazing, at least to me, that a game with what appears to be a pretty sophisticated engine can be found for free on the internet. Be careful, though, as all the great things about the game make it pretty intense and can slow your computer down.
Play the game here. It also gives you the option of playing the first version, so make sure you check that out, too.
The 1-Upper: Four Second Frenzy
To anyone familiar with the Nintendo WarioWare series, Four Second Frenzy will seem like a complete rip off. It is, but it’s OK as this collection of 50 minigames was developed by a group of programmers and artists from across the globe. There are quite a bit of countries represented, each presenting its own four-second game for the ADD set.
The game is incredibly simple. You’re presented with a series of very, very, very, short games (hence the title) that only require you to use the arrow keys and the spacebar. You’ll be tasked with everything from parking a car, mowing a lawn, chainsawing a zombie in two, or snapping a photo of a UFO shooting across the sky. There’s no real skill required, just fast-twitch muscles. It may take you a few tries to figure out exactly what to do in each game, so keep playing until your eyes bleed, which I think is a very real side effect of this.
Go play Four Second Frenzy here, and try not to think of the missing hyphen in the title.
The 1-Upper: Pillage the Village
Remember the Hamburger Helper, the friendly hand that’s been helping moms whip up quick dinners since the ’50s? Well, he’s back, and he’s really pissed about something. My guess is the proliferation of chicken-based meals.
Pillage the Village lets you take on the role of the grumpy floating hand — probably not really related to Mr. Helper — as you move from level to level, grabbing villagers and flinging them and their thatched huts into the air. Each level has its fair share of common serf, but as you progress the game throws in some tougher enemies, and they’ll force you to rethink your strategy.
Each time you smite a villager, you’ll get a little wellspring of coins, which you can use to buy items to help make your dirty work a little quicker. One of the neat features about Pillage the Village is that it lets you chose to be somewhat beneficent and use tactics like euthanasia or downright mean and let Acme-brand anvils fall from the sky.
Check out Pillage the Village here.
The 1-Upper: Five Differences
If you’re anything like me, you got Highlights magazine as a kid. It’s always been a favorite of mine - probably because it’s still on par with my current reading level - and I still cast furtive glances at it while waiting at the doctor’s office. The best part, aside from Goofus and Galant, was the spot the differences game in the back.
Five Differences is a nice, grown-up version of the game. I don’t think you need me to explain the rules too much, so I won’t except to say you’re given two images that are nearly identical but for five minute differences, which you’re responsible for spotting and clicking on. My favorite part of Five Differences is the animation and graphics, which look like a slick cross between Adobe Illustrator artwork and flash. The number of differences you have yet to find is also worked into the current puzzle neatly, and it can be fun just to pick them out. A nice ambient soundtrack would work well here, but, alas, no tunes.
Go play Five Differences here.
Also, a note for you Scrabulous fans. I’m a big Scrabble fan, but I never got into the online version. However, if you play, you better do it while you can. It seems Hasbro has had enough of the copyright infringement and is looking to shut it down.
The 1-Upper: Dolphin Olympics 2
Who doesn’t like dolphins, with their seemingly unbridled joy and willingness to please? Luckily, now, they can further entertain us with Dolphin Olympics 2. The game lets you use the arrow keys take control of a dolphin as you swim around, gain momentum, and shoot out of the ocean, ready to perform flips, corkscrews, etc., for our enjoyment.
You’ve got two minutes on the timer to score as many points as possible. There are a bunch of ways to add to your totals, though. If you can tempt the other sea life to follow you out, you’ll get bonuses. Same goes for smooth re-entries, which, if you’re able to keep going, will let you string together tricks for crazy amounts of points. Try the dolphin tailslide, as that’s what makes this Olympian make those hilarious Flipper noises.
Play Dolphin Olympics 2 here.